DO or DO NOT ... There Is No Try

A Simple Strategy for Permanently Overcoming Bad Habits In an Instant

Sigmund Freud posited that it is impossible to fully understand why someone is the person they are simply because there are limitless reasons. He deemed this "overdetermination" and created his other theories in accordance with his notion that certain of these influencing factors are more impactful and shared by the majority of people.

So, whereas they shared a mother in Eve, it isn’t really important that Cain was a farmer instead of a shepherd as history only recalls he killed his kid brother, Abel. The point here is not that Abel’s taunts about how his brother’s profession was inferior to his brought his murder upon him, but rather that it doesn’t matter why he was killed, but rather just that his life was cut short.

Getting back to our friendly-neighborhood psychologist, his supposition that humans all share the base instinct of aggression, and that the resulting violence is triggered by as many different issues as there are people, is more concerned with trying to discern what led the Titanic to hit the iceberg and less about the fact that it sank. But here’s the thing, knowing why they drowned is of small consolation to those poor souls locked below-deck in steerage.

Ultimately it is nothing more than an intellectual exercise to ponder the Why of things, when our lives are contained in the What. The remainder of this piece is a personal testimony told to illustrate how my belief that we all benefit more when we focus on modifying our behaviors rather than on understanding our motivations.

How did you stop alcohol addiction? I find myself drinking 1-2 bottles of wine everyday even though I tell myself I won’t tomorrow. What worked for you?

For pragmatic reasons, as is often the case with me, giving up alcohol was a straightforward, black and white decision. I had started drinking in excess, like many of us, as a college student who was both socializing and using alcohol, mostly beer, as a social lubricant. It was fun, got me into a bit of trouble (which was also fun, if I’m being honest), but was mostly benign, except for the whole drunk driving thing. 

Lost in the quest for discerning why people abuse alcohol is the simple fact that it is completely unacceptable for someone who has been drinking to then drive. Everyone is free to ruin their own life through poor judgement and bad decisions, but no one has the right to kill someone’s mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, child, or friend because they can’t help but climb behind the wheel. But I put people at risk because I thought I was good at it. I mean, how fucked up is that? 

Anyway, I got older and the bar scene faded away, and I got much better about not putting myself in a position where driving was necessary, but the drinking itself didn’t taper off. Other people worried I had a problem, but I didn’t think so. (Sound familiar?) But to this day I maintain I didn’t. How so? Because I didn’t drink because I had to, hell, I didn’t even drink because I wanted to, it had just become a habit. 

It’s sneaky, the way alcohol takes over. No one becomes a drunk overnight. It’s an insidiously slow process that sneaks up on us, but before you know it years have slipped by and the unavoidable drawbacks have gone from occasional to regular. The health suffers. The eating habits worsen; the weight goes up, or down. The bank account takes a regular hit. Maybe there’s a near miss, or a fender bender, or a DUI. And the arguments, the things you wish you hadn’t said but can’t take back. 

And the crazy thing is that it’s pretty easily avoided. How? It’s simple: just don’t keep it in the house. 

That was my big revelation. When at the grocery store I would automatically grab a 12-pack like it was a staple. If I was out of it, which I always was since I drank nightly, I bought more, like it was milk or some shit. I was a grown man, I had the money, and I was a drinker. So I acted accordingly. 

Each evening, I’d open the fridge and there it would be. Obviously I’m going to crack open a beer, it’s what you do. And when it’s gone, it’s to the can for a pee and then you swing through the kitchen for a replacement. And then it’s 11:00 and things are soft around the edges and there’s a bunch of empties lined up on the coffee table. Next day, same thing. Next year, you’re divorced, your kids won’t talk to you, your mom is crying on the phone begging you to get help and telling you she prays for you every night. Or maybe you’ve been fired for poor performance, or absenteeism, or you’re in rehab for the second time, or you’ve been in a fight and are in jail for a spell. And all because you absentmindedly grab a case as you cruise the beer aisle. 

The good news, though, is that if there’s no alcohol to be drunk, you can’t drink alcohol. Yes, it’s more complicated than that, but only because human beings are hedonists at heart and so we can justify any and all behavior, whether it’s self-destructive or not. In truth, it really is a very, very easy fix. Stop drinking and you no longer have a drinking problem. 

Sure, your life won’t be problem free, but it will be a shit-ton easier in every instance, I promise you that. And the messed up thing is that even though you’ll miss it (it’s been 17 years since my last drink, and I still want one every now and then), you’ll quickly wonder why it took you so long to get that hateful monkey off your back because things will get so much better for you, and almost immediately. 

Whatever it is that causes any individual to imbibe to excess will differ, but one thing is true for all of us, we control our actions. But actions are actually secondary to our thoughts. By that I mean you have to decide to do something before you can do it. Every time. But if you put yourself into a position where you have to make the decision to not have that next drink on each and every occasion that you crave one, you are bound to fail. Nobody has that level of willpower, especially when the alcohol has its hooks in you. 

But what if instead you just decide not to ever drink again? Do that, and it’s about keeping your streak alive by being stubborn, and that is something almost everybody is REALLY good at. 

Cutting Back is Code for Keeping at It

I quit smoking on my 30th birthday. I was celebrating with some buddies (at like 3:00 in the morning while half tanked in a swimming pool down the beach), and I was feeling reflective about the milestone. At that point I’d been doing something I knew better than to do for fifteen long years. The money I had wasted, and the damage I had done to my lungs, was undeniable, and for most of that time I didn’t even like doing it. But I did. Why? Habit. So, I said to my drunken friends, “This is the last cigarette I’m ever going to smoke.” That was 23 years ago, and I spoke the truth. Here’s how…

I simply redefined myself as a non-smoker that night in the shallow end. The next morning (afternoon really), when I went to grab that first butt of the day, the amazing one that you enjoy with your coffee (you know the one), I caught myself and purposefully thought, “If I were a smoker, I would have a cigarette right now, but I’m not, so I won’t.” I did that for the rest of the day, and for the rest of the week, and for the rest of the month, and for the rest of the year. And then at some point I didn’t do it anymore because I didn’t have to. 

It Is What It Is … You Are What You Are

I’m a non-drinker, have been since a few days before my oldest child arrived. I had known for years nothing good came of my self-indulgent drinking habits, and further that my luck on the roads would eventually run out. I thought about how pathetic it would be for me to continue to behave in a way I knew to be destructive and selfish despite all the reasons I keep pushing out of my mind for just giving it up.

For me, the idea that really put it into perspective was that if I lost my license I would lose my ability to get to work, and then I’d not be able to do a proper job supporting my family. Well, I wasn’t going to be the kind of man that brings a child into the world and then doesn’t do what he knows needs doing to care for them. So, for a second time, I redefined myself when I asserted, “This is the last beer I’m ever going to drink.” I savored it, and then I set about moving on with my life as a teetotaler, and I’ve never looked back. 

It’s maybe not as easily done as said, and some people will make it out like my situation allowed me to do what I did because I only drank beer, or because I had a support system, or because I didn’t have some dark past dragging me down. But here’s the thing: I did. I’m not here to expose myself to the freaking Internet, but I had plenty of shit built up inside me I could’ve used as fuel to keep at it. Daddy issues? Check. Self-loathing? Yep. Emotional pain? Uh huh. Addictive personality? Absatootly. Hell, I’m an Irish and German mutt who comes from a long line of drinkers, so I come by my pickled liver honestly. 

But none of that matters. I’m going to walk my daughter down the aisle one day, and I’ll be goddamned if some other dad out there can’t do the same because I couldn’t restrain myself. Ultimately, I did it because it needed doing. And you can do the same if you’re willing to admit to yourself that it’s time, and considering you asked the question, it clearly is.

There’s a non-drinker inside of you, and everyone, and I mean absolutely EVERYONE, wants you to bring her out, will gladly help you do it, and is pulling for you every step of the way. 

Make this your mantra, and you will not, cannot, fail: “If I were a drinker, I would pour myself a glass right now, BUT I’M NOT.”

Good luck.